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Couples looking to marry today have many options. They could go to the Clerk's office to get their license and marry for a cheap, but very limited ceremony. Their regular religious leader could marry them. In many states, a qualified family member or friend could do the honors of signing the paperwork. A professional officiant or justice of the peace could marry them. And this is just the beginning. The next step is making choices about the ceremony itself! What do you do?
I am a Humanist Minister (think: Unitarian-Universalist denomination or Ethical Society), a professional marriage officiant in New York, now an independent scholar, and a former college professor in urban sociology. I have lots of experience with public speaking and writing in myriad styles. I also have lots of experience now with creating and presiding over wedding ceremonies. I've used super simple justice-of-the-peace style ceremonies and built very original, fully personalized ceremonies. And I have some insider advice for you that answers a new-age question: which marriage ceremonies are the most meaningful?
I can tell you right now what you should not do.
Do not share stories with your friends and families about how you meet when they've heard those stories over and over again; only do this if your friends and families do not know much about your private, shared history together.
Do not add the unity sand ceremony or candle ceremony or thirteen coins or wine ceremony or tasting of four elements or broom jumping or neo-pagan hand-fasting rite *unless* these rituals are truly meaningful! Sometimes they work out beautifully. If you are a practicing pagan or Jewish and add respective rites from your cultural heritage that you *still* practice, then please do incorporate part of your background. If you decide to exchange watches or a Chinese cupcake and bagel because the exchange has much significance to you, then please -- get creative!
I am here to be honest with you. Personalized ceremonies are pricey. They are time consuming for both the officiant and the couple. They can be especially funny, sweet, memorable, reflect your shared cultural backgrounds, or help your different families see how you can creatively mix your distinct traditions. But for the vast majority of couples, they are unnecessary. I've even had some couples note that their married friends told them they added the unity candle (etc)-- which is now collecting dust in an unknown, unmarked box.
And the most interesting paradox is that many of the ceremonies couples assume are "very traditional" or "old," are in fact not at all. The only truly "classic" parts are the exchanging of simple vows "I take you as my husband/wife," the exchanging of rings, and sealing with deal with a hand-shake (aka the real origins of the hand-fasting ceremony) or a kiss. That's it. The rest is tender loving fluff. The unity candle is not traditionally part of a Christian ceremony, the rose has not always been *the* timeless symbol of love, the jumping of the broom is equally part Celtic and African-American, and no one really knows the precise, original meaning of the breaking of the glass, although this is indeed an old wedding rite of passage.
Most of the most cherished ceremonies I've performed are simple civil ceremonies with a touch of spirituality and romance. If I spend ten minutes talking about the fabulous friendship you share, so what. Statistically speaking, most friendships fade over time. And it should be a given that you and your spouse-to-be like to be with one another.
Your ceremony should feel modern and classic. It should not be over-loaded with spirituality nor simple, civil language. It should be grammatically correct, so do make sure a professional looks it over. It should be delivered by someone who is an experienced speaker and can formulate smoothly sounding sentences and articulate words carefully and clearly -- not too slowly or too quickly. The person delivering the ceremony should not be glued to the page. In fact, memorizing entire paragraphs is best. It should be no shorter than five minutes long and no longer than thirteen minutes long if you want to catch all the words. It should be broken into parts that flow together well without being redundant. It should have a few classic elements to make you feel like, "hey, I am getting married right now" -- this means that you should promise to wed, marry, or take each other as husband and wife verbally somewhere in the ceremony. "You are my best friend" is just not enough.
You want to thank your guests for coming? Great. But one to three minutes is enough. Extensive words of appreciation should wait for toasts at the reception. After all, this is the ceremony that will join together your lives in matrimony. It is not really about your parents, siblings, or best friends. Will they make the decisions about when to let go of frustrations when you're arguing with each other for you? Want to taste elements corresponding to the parts of life? Cater your reception dinner/lunch/breakfast/cake to this theme. Want to light a unity candle? Ceremonially light the candles on the tables at your reception for your guests. All these things will not guarantee your marriage will last. The words you express and the open communication you share will.
The best way to have a great ceremony is quite simple. Pick a wonderfully written ceremony. Then personalize it simply. Add a maximum of two readings, quotes, or poems that are less than one minute long. Say a simple "I do." Then, assuming you're exchanging rings, exchange truly personalized vows by memory. They do not need to be long. They should be open. Say you love the way your partner's hair is crazy in the morning. The way his/her perfume/cologne smells. His/her humor. Then say, "I love you without end; with this ring, I join my life to your life in marriage" or the like. Super simple. Unforgettable.
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