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I'm often asked for tips and advice from both the spouse who cheated and the spouse who was cheated on about "how to move forward after an affair or infidelity."  Some of the folks who are asking for the advice are going to be moving on alone – without their spouse. And, some are going to try to save their marriages and move on with their partners in a new and healthy way.
No matter which category that you fall into, in order to ensure that you are moving on in a healthy way, you will need to identify and then work through those things that are limiting your ability to trust, to believe, and to truly live again with an open and healed heart. So, in the following article, I will offer advice on moving on in a healthy way to both the cheated on and the one who cheated.
Moving On If You Were The Spouse Who Cheated: Many people who have cheated do not really want to dwell on the fall out of their actions. It's very common that the spouse who had the affair wants to move on very quickly to minimize the damage while the spouse who did not cheat is more cautious and wants to move more slowly because they are unsure if they can trust or be vulnerable again.
I understand why this happens. Both parties are trying to protect themselves and act in such a way that is going to be healthier in the future. However, although I understand it, I have to tell you that this behavior is often not the best thing for your spouse. If you minimize the affair, you are not taking full responsibility for it. Sure, there may well have been significant contributing factors, but it's really never OK to cheat rather than directly addressing any problems with your spouse.Â
In that same vain, you should never directly say or even hint that the affair was in any way your spouse's fault. Do not imply that if they understood you more or paid more attention to you, then the affair would not have happened. This is unproductive and unfair. Spouses who had affairs will often tell me that they really want to save their marriage (usually for their kids' sake) but that they can't stop thinking about the other person and that they can not be as enthusiastic about their spouse as they are about the other person. In other words, they are not as passionate with their spouse as they are with the person that they cheated with.
What is happening is that they are getting caught up in something that is not at all real. You're comparing a fantasy relationship based only on fun and pleasure with a mature relationship that is real life. Your spouse can not possibly compare to someone who is not living their responsibilities. The relationship with the other person is based on nothing but the easy and fun stuff. Your spouse, in contrast, is the one doing your laundry, or supporting you financially, or caring for you when it's not easy to do so. They can't possibly win this impossible game. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself (very firmly) that you've set up an impossible comparison and you just have to stop, live up to your commitments, promises and obligations, and return to real life.
Don't make decisions as to whether you're going to move on with your spouse or without them until you've given yourself enough time to fairly evaluate this after the cheating relationship ends. Sometimes, the marriage is absolutely able to be saved and to be improved to a point where you no longer recognize it – it's just that much better. However, there is likely going to be a lot of hard work to get you there. Don't discount your spouse without allowing them to be involved in the process. Often, things are going to look a lot different once the volatility of this situation starts to abate.
Finally, it's vital that you address any individual issues that may have contributed to the affair. These things may be hard to admit. But, you may want to look at individual struggles with aging, success, and confidence. If you do not address these things, you're going to take them with you to your next relationship or back to your marriage.
Moving On If You Were The Spouse Who Was Cheated On: Of course, this advice is going to be a bit different. First off, you need to be clear on the fact that you deserve to feel loved and to be happy every bit as much as your spouse does. You also need to be clear on the fact that this was not and is not your fault. Don't be willing to take on the blame or to make excuses for the behavior that they chose.
This does not mean that your spouse is not redeemable or that he or she can not make this right.  There is a big difference between resenting the act and resenting the person. If you are to move on, you will eventually need to separate the person from their (hopefully) one time act. But, you should not rush this either. This is very much a process that has to take its course.
Along the way, you will need to do whatever is necessary to help you heal. This is not linear. In the beginning, it may take different things than what is necessary say, a few months down the road. It's important to take regular inventory and to reevaluate where you are, how you feel, and how you are progressing. And, never stop communicating with both your partner and your self. Speak up and tell them exactly what you need. Never be ashamed to ask for what is going to help you heal. You did not create this situation, but you can help yourself to rise above it. Your spouse can't read your mind, so accept that you may have to spell some things out for them in order to get what you need.
You may or may not want to save the relationship. Regardless, you will still need to work through the issues that are going to crop up from this. Use this as an opportunity to strengthen yourself rather than to weaken yourself. You can get through this. It won't always be easy and you will have to rise up to the occasion to meet these challenges. But, you deserve to be happy and to be clear on what you want and need.
If your spouse can provide this, so be it. If not, then you can most certainly provide it for yourself until someone worthy of you comes along. However it works out, it was not your fault, you can get through this, and it's very possible that you will be stronger and better able to define and demand what you want and need as the result.
I know that moving on after the affair can seem very daunting. But, it might be closer than you think – if you are willing to open your mind and your heart. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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