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By Susie and Otto Collins
It's happened again. Joe and his wife have become pitted against one another in a discussion-- a stalemate-- and neither one of them is willing to give in.
Joe and his wife are both opinionated and strong-willed people. These are helpful traits to have, in some respects, but not when it comes to communication in their marriage.
It seems that the only way for a stalemate to be resolved is for one of them to back down and let the other person have his or her way. From Joe's perspective, it feels like he's the one who usually sets aside his preference in order to make peace.
Unfortunately, this is usually not a satisfactory resolution for Joe. In fact, he feels resentful and angry about it.
A stalemate in a love relationship or marriage can happen quickly, taking both people by surprise, or it can develop slowly over a long period of time.
There may be certain topics that you and your partner simply avoid because you know that you hold opposing views and you're sure that neither of you will change the other's mind.
However, when these are topics that you have to deal with-- for example, money management decisions, parenting dilemmas or even approaches to fidelity and commitment-- tension, conflict and disconnection can result.
Even if you and your partner both hold strong and opposing views, you CAN talk about these difficult topics without a breakdown in communication or your relationship.
If a stalemate between you and your mate has already happened and you feel stuck, you can use these same communication secrets to bring improvement to the situation.
Here's how...
Think beyond "I win or You win."
When you are not trying to talk with your partner about whatever it is you two are stuck about (or trying not to get stuck about), invite yourself to make an internal shift.
Too often, when communicating with others about things we don't agree, we become mainly focused in on who will win and who will lose the conversation.
If you and your partner are in a stalemate over a major decision that involves your children, your relationship, your money or something else, it certainly CAN feel like the one who gets his or her "way" is the winner.
When you move beyond "I win or You win," however, your mind and perspective open up.
This doesn't mean that you abandon your preferences and desires. What it does mean is that you start thinking in terms of resolution instead of winning or losing.
Finding a resolution that will potentially serve both of your interests is possible...especially when you let go of the win/lose dichotomy.
Get to your bottom line.
Before you sit down with your mate to attempt to talk about this touchy topic, take some time to become very clear about what is most important to you.
This is the place where you get to boil down all of your logical arguments for why you feel the way you do so that you can really see your bottom line.
Your bottom line might be something like this...
I want to be financially stable and have money for the future.
I want our children to receive the best kind of education for them.
I want to feel a strong trust between my partner and I.
Another bottom line that you might remind yourself of is that you want to come together with your mate and, as a team, face whatever challenges come your way. Staying connected while also being true to yourself can be yet another bottom line.
When you communicate with your partner about the difficult issue, remember your bottom line/s.
Allow yourself to focus mostly on your bottom line when you speak and make trying to find a resolution the priority. Really listen to what your mate has to say and listen for where your views may actually overlap and converge.
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