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When in an unhappy marriage, it can be difficult to distinguish between reasons and excuses to leave the marriage. For many, living for years in a marriage devoid of love, respect, and trust results in a sense of emotional numbness. You may be angry that your needs are not getting met but the response, to your spouse, tends to be one of apathy or disregard. In any marriage, you can only nag and fight for so long before you get tired of nagging and fighting.
What keeps many people in these kinds of marriages is self doubt. The question, for many, becomes "Am I doing the right thing?" This is where you have to separate excuses from reasons. Before we get into the difference, there's one truth you need to take ownership of: happiness is a choice.
You may not be able to control what your spouse does but you have 100% control over how you respond and it is your response that dictates how you feel. Choose peace, even when your spouse isn't.
Back to reasons versus excuses.
Reasons to leave a marriage are solidly established, continuous patterns of treatment or behavior that make the marriage unlivable. Examples include:
- physical or verbal abuse
- controlling behavior
- adultery that does not stop
- addictions for which no help is being sought and which puts others in danger
- consistent, long term financial irresponsibility that has left the family, time and again, bankrupt and devoid of basic survival items
If any of the above apply, you are unhappily married and there are very valid reasons to consider divorce.
Excuses to leave a marriage involve feelings, emotions and passing situations that leave a bitter taste in your mouth. It's how you feel at the time about the marriage and, because you'd rather be right than kind, you hold onto it as a grudge and use it as ammunition in future altercations. One distinction between a reason and an excuse is this: reasons are explored and help is actively sought before coming to a final conclusion. Excuses are feelings that are validated and held without careful consideration or the seeking out of help or remedy.
Excuses include:
1) You and your spouse have different world views, religions, cultures, or outlooks on life
2) You spouse doesn't show enough affection the way you would like it
3) You and your spouse don't agree on anything
4) Your spouse is lazy and is not going in the same direction you are in life
5) Your spouse is unhealthy and out of shape and messy to live with or the opposite (spends too much time at the gym and is a neat freak)
6) Personality clashes
7) You don't like his or her family (in-law problems)
8) Life is boring in this marriage
9) The romance is gone
10) You feel like you've given up your life for this person
I could go on but you get my drift. Reasons present long-term behaviors that you've sought help for and which are not (and probably will not) change. Excuses are all about what you're not getting because of what the other person's not giving (victim mentality). Once you can distinguish between the two, you'll have a better idea if you're heading for reconciliation or divorce.
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